Lost in the Forest

I am definitely lost in the forest. The canopy of trees are trying to block my view of the sky above. The sounds are disturbing, alien to me and pumping me full of fear. I see the beauty of it, with all it’s greenery but I also see the prison within this beauty. Yet I know that if one catches fire then an inferno is inevitable and I will be lost forever in the forest.

Some say that the Christian walk is not hard – but it is – because we are human. It is hard to divide those two sides of yourself and let the good overcome the bad. You get lost in who you were and lose sight of who you want to be. Wonder if it is possible if you cannot see the forest for the trees. I need to see the big picture and although Christianity shows you the big picture - we mere humans need to pick at every detail – so I’m trying to get out of this forest that surrounds me – where everything is right before me but nothing is clear – nothing can really be seen.

Broken? Shattered? Pray For Change

I don’t know if you ever experienced being Broken or Shattered but I’ve experienced both. I’ve been Broken then Shattered.

A broken person is someone who has experienced the harsh side of life, all the ugly truths, and found out that people aren’t perfect. They have been cheated on, lied to, their friends haven’t been loyal, untimely deaths of friends and family things that hurt and can leave you picking up the pieces. See what that person doesn’t realize is that if they can just PICK UP THE PIECES they can begin to heal again. You could be repaired – get some crazy glue (forgiving and loving when you have been done wrong), get some duck tape (put the pieces of the relationship back together), and some gorilla glue (pray and seek God to change your heart toward that person and situation) just to make sure. And there is possibility that you can move forward. And if you want it, you can and will be changed. If you can’t or won’t forgive then that poison turns in and you begin to do the same things making sure no one hurts you first.

Then there are the shattered people. A shattered person is someone that has been broken over and over again. There are too many pieces to put back together and the only options are  change or be destroyed forever. These are the abused children and victims of domestic violence. These are the men, women, and children who have been raped, beaten, neglected, malnourished, molested, and otherwise harmed that are trying to put it back together but there are just so many pieces. In the end we realize that we must start again or try something to numb the pain. These circumstances have harsh repercussions. We turn to drugs, sex, partying, stealing, lying,  Because trust has been destroyed, hope has been lost, and love has been withheld. We try to trust in man but man has broken our trust. We try to hope for a better future but when things never change hope is lost. We try to love without ever really knowing what it is to be loved. So we dive into dysfunctional relationships seeking something that we can never find in man. We want change but we cannot hope for it. The pieces of our lives are scattered in the wind and we cannot put them back together so easily.

The concept of change, of God, of peace is hard for both types of people. But it can happen. You can change, God can bring you peace. Even while you are lighting up or in your wrongdoing. You just have to believe but I know, believing in that way… believing it so much that your life is consumed with God and his will is hard to believe. How can you go to church every Sabbath or Sunday, and read your bible everyday, listen to different music, dress in different clothes, have a little different outlook on life? You can’t! None of those things really mean anything if your heart is not in it..it’s just smoke and mirrors and will not sustain. Trust me I know. When I started going to church it’s because I was shattered. So much had happened to me it was ridiculous. And at 26 I just wanted change. So I sought the only thing I hadn’t….God. But as I began to go it felt burdensome to me. I couldn’t keep it up because I couldn’t really understand it. And who could I ask? The pastor was too busy making a show, the wife wanted to just get me to see her point of view, and the members of the church insisted I had not experienced the Holy Spirit until I started speaking in tongues! What? So this walk has been hard, I have fallen many times, shoot I fell today LOL. But here I am, right back up…..and that is what it is really about. Not letting sin crush you into non-existence until you have been doomed to the fiery pits of Hell.

But the more I think about God and who He says He is I have to believe that what he says is real. I try to weigh what I believe against what I truly hope is. I want to believe that there is a Heaven for me. That God is truly who he says he is. That in all my hoping and dreaming that one day when I die and Christ has risen that there is place for me there. But because deep down I don’t always really believe it because I stay to my destructive behaviors and continue to die in the darkness that is sin. And I feel that if God says who he says He is, then what he says is true and I am doomed anyway. People always say they know they are going to Heaven (well those who believe in God) but they do not truly weigh their lifestyle against God’s law. But in all my hoping and praying there is spot for me I even hoping and praying even harder for you. So I ask you to do this:

Think of the Ten Commandments:

Have you ever lied?

Have you ever stolen anything?

Have you ever looked at anyone with lust?

Have you ever hated someone?

 

Those are only 4 of the 10 commandments, Do not lie, Do not steal, Do not commit adultery (same as looking at someone in lust), Do not commit murder (hate is the same as murder in God’s eyes).

I’m Guilty! And I can admit that. And I want to make excuses say that I am broken and shattered…and you know what those are probably very valid excuses here on Earth. But as Ray Comfort would say, do you want to meet God with excuses? God does not want your excuses he wants your obedience.

 

God Breaks you and He shatters you if he has to, but we create most of the problems for ourselves. When we are dishonest, when we lie, when we try to hide from him as if he does not search our hearts and knows are intentions. You can say what you want on social media networks, to my face, on a blog or on tv but only time will tell…Judgement Day to be exact. I do have Good News.

So what’s the Good News? Well the Good News is that today….you can be saved. Truly saved. And you can be right in your situation, high, in jail, a prostitute, an adulterer, a liar, a thief and still go to Heaven. Don’t believe me? Search the scriptures. Pray and seek him. God desires for us all to be saved. I desire for you to be saved, even if I’m not. And remember there is nothing you can do, not one thing that will save you. Only God can save you.

So before you go, I hope you read this and took it in, before you search the scriptures say this prayer:

Dear God, I repent and turn away from sin. This day I put my trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior because I know You sent Him to save me from your wrath. Please forgive me, and grant me your gift of everlasting life. Change my heart, and make me who you want me to be. I ask this in Jesus’ name, Amen.

 

Now if you prayed this prayer, get your bible I would suggest starting with the New Testament so you can learn about God’s great love and his miracles. I urge you that no matter where you are in life whether you are broken or shattered God wants to use YOU. He loves you and desires to change you. I didn’t know that my circumstances would eventually lead me to want to help others. I am usually so concerned with self but I’m not the only person that has been through something and I wasn’t the last. I pray that this post did what I intended. As I see myself now for who I really am and what I really believe I just really hope that you can find the same. Life is not perfect but God’s love is. Please listen to me family, we are all God’s children. In the beginning God created….you are his creation.

 

Love Kayla

Hard To Write

Yes, it is very hard to write. I though that maybe because I was telling my story that it would be easier and really in some ways it is, easy. Honestly, I need to get these things off my chest so that I can grow in my walk with Christ.

There are many things that I’ve endured and I know that I’m not the only one who has suffered sexual abuse, child abuse, and the emotional scars of a hard knock life. I’m not even the only one that desires my story to be told, I’m not the only one who wants the truth out but I am one of the few bold enough to do it. And this fact alone gives me strength to keep moving forward even if I write one page a day and it takes me a whole year, this story needs to be told again and again until people start to really want things changed.

There are a thousand problems I have with foster care but I’ll share my top five:

1) None of them were mine – I didn’t have a sister, brother, mother or father. I didn’t have cousins, I didn’t have aunts and uncles. Not one of those people I lived with belonged to me.

2) 8 times out of 10, the foster parents did it for the money. If you think I’m joking, I can name 10 foster parents right now that I had and 8 of them did it for the money. But I won’t embarrass anyone.

3) I was abused in more ways than one: sexual abuse and physical abuse. By more than one foster parent.

4) The social workers!!! Ugh, the social workers. I mean if I never seen a group of uncaring systematic people in the world. They claimed things had to be done because of “the system” and you never really understood any of it. And never really felt like they cared. I actually had one social worker tell me that she could hardly keep up with her cases and then she called me another girl’s name.

5) The court dates! You always left one or had someone come to talk to you after one feeling even more unwanted. Even less loved. I swear I never was so down than when I constantly was referred to as a “ward of the court”. Like – hey people THIS KID HERE DOESN’T HAVE ANY PARENTS!!! It was the most degrading thing in the world to me, right up there with some grown man feeling you up. If you think I’m lying, just ask a few of us who are willing to tell the truth.

The thing is WE WANT to tell the truth, but no one will believe us. Maybe we are stretching the truth, maybe we are just projecting, it’s a mental illness, it’s this or that. But I mean how many times are you (the system) going to be proven wrong before you realize it’s a flawed system. And it’s flawed for many reasons including ignoring all these children that are trying to call out for help. I’m seeing things with new eyes though and I say that it is flawed because humans are flawed. The day we stopped trusting God, it all went downhill from there.

Somewhere in our genetic makeup back to Adam and Eve. Back to when we were convinced that something better was out there. Back when the Adam & Eve wanted to see if the grass was greener and doomed us all.

When I think about my life and who I am in relation to God, this world, and my family. I always think of that very first mistake. Eve was convinced of something greater than God, like He would hold anything back. How many of you say, if it were me I would have resisted temptation? I’m sure about a good number of ya’ll just lied! How many times have you acted on a decision or did something because you thought the results would benefit you in some way?

When foster care started I’m sure it was in place to help those poor, unwanted children who’s parents abandoned them or passed away. I’m sure it was put in place to give children a home so that when they aged-out they could develop into stable adults.

But now foster parenting has become just like a job and the social workers responsible for these “case loads” see the children as just another thing to check off on their to-do list. I’m sick of it, I want things to change, to be different. I’m almost 28 years old and 11 years after aging-out through emancipation I hear the same stories from the teens I talk to. And it just disgusts me. There is no reason for me to sugar coat it and now that I’m writing this book, I won’t sugar coat a damn thing. They will be mad….and? I’m hoping to tug at the heart strings, to go deep, and touch the conscious. God called us to be stewards over the children because they shape our futures and if we cannot secure their minds and place love in their hearts by providing safe, secure, loving family environments than you might as well stop praying for change and start praying for mercy.

But for now I will write and I will tell you the stories. I will paint the picture that you refuse to see and I will expose the lies and with God’s word I will speak the truth.

Finally: Time To Write

So those of you who know me personally know that I have begun writing a book. For now, I will call it Broken Child. This is of course a working title, it may change but we will see as the story unfolds. 

Broken Child is my story. No, you probably won’t get the juicy details of my private life now because that is not the purpose. Broken Child’s purpose is deeper than that. I wanted to give myself a voice and give a voice to the many children like myself. I want to continue sharing my story and the stories of other children so that you never forget because despite the fact that you’ve heard the horror stories about children in foster care getting neglected and mistreated there has still been no permanent change. The system is flawed.Too many children fall through the cracks.

See when you leave a child in situations without a real explanation conclusion’s start to form in their mind. These children assume that they were abandoned,  unloved, and unwanted. So couple that with a child placed in a situation where they are subject to more abuse, sexual and emotional and you have a damaged soul, a broken child.

As I began the writing process I wasn’t sure if I was going to actually be able to pull it off. I am an okay writer but I have never really tried to tell my story. I’ve penned short stories for my eyes only, dozens of poems, and diary entries. But now the words are flowing and it allows me to re-live those moments that changed me the most. Writing has brought back so much that today I had to pick up the phone and call my biological mother.

I had worked on editing the first five chapters, looking for grammatical errors, making sure the content flowed, and all of that. I started to see those images I used to see as a child, flashes of my mother yelling, Laurie screaming, and Cassandra crying. It was like a whirlwind of faces, rooms, and situations. I called her and asked her to explain to me what happened. Her first explanation was very vague but in my want to forgive her I let it go. I feel bad because my sister has not let it go yet. She holds on to the anger and pain of it all. And I can understand her on some level. I have the emotional scars and Laurie has the physical. She has no memory of the incident but living with the burns and the memories of trying to learn to walk again, I can imagine how painful it was.

I begged my mother for the truth, on bs, no lies. I wanted to make sure that what I was writing and remembering was true. I wanted to believe the best of her because I had known the worst of her. I had forgiven but I could not forget and I just wanted to know. She confirmed some of what I remember but denies that she has ever intentionally caused us any harm or neglected us in any way. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t but I will only write what I remember and the rest, I will leave to God and pray for healing.

I really look forward to sharing my story with you all and I hope you go on this journey with me. Check back every Friday night for updates on my writing process and the emotions that it will undoubtedly take me through.

Please visit my website www.kaylamarie.org for more updates, leave a comment there or here. I would love to hear from you. Blessings, Peace & Love